My Green Thumb: + 2 shades!

My least favorite chore as a child was pulling weeds. We had a moderate sized garden, a few flower beds around the house and a brick walkway that my mom would  use to torture us. As  my teenage self recalls, my mother would wait until it was the hottest, muggiest day of the year to send me and my sister out to pull the prickly little buggers. Armed with nothing but a bucket and some sunblock we'd hunch over the dirt piles and sun bleached bricks, pulling with all our might to make sure we got the whole plant down to the blasted roots.

or something like that.

So you can imagine my shock when I felt the urge to start my own garden. Somehow I convinced myself that I could drastically limit the weeds by growing a simple tomato plant on my porch. Even stranger, that "simple tomato plant" turned into three plants, one flower pot and one potted herb once I left the store. I am now the proud "gardener" of my very own cherry tomato, green pepper, and strawberry plants, alongside a pot of zinna flowers and seedling basil. We spent just under $40 for all the supplies and plants and have harvested one strawberry- the most expensive strawberry known to man.

31 Days of Halloween: Day Five

I grew up in New England with parents who tolerated halloween and decorated while my sister and I were young. We wore sweatshirts and winter coats under our store bought costumes and my parents dutifully marched us up and down our neighborhood streets to get free candy from the community until our fingers were blue (from the lollipops, not the cold.)

Now that I'm grown with a kid of my own I'm remembering all the memories my parents gave us. My mom may not claim to be very creative or artsy but every holiday our house was decorated with pictures and paper garlands. I have a whole tub of homemade christmas ornaments she kept for years after I made them.

thanks mom and dad, for such a happy childhood!

Chucky-Sue Update

again, for the grandmothers:

Chucky-Sue's stats!

She's probably 19lbs now, eating more and more "table" food everyday, but she still prefers her "baby" foods. I'm hoping that in 3 weeks at her check up we'll finally be over 20lbs! You'll have to wait till after that appointment for her height and head percentiles.

She correctly says "mama" and "dada" to the right parent now! For a while, we were both mama and dada. among her vocabulary: hi, bye, no, and one. She has her signs for food, more, and up. We are still working on thank you, yes, no and toilet.

She is on 90% sippy cup, 10% bottle, and 100% whole milk. (Which may change at her next doctor appointment, if he nixes my unauthorized switch to cow's milk, but her constipation problem is completely gone now- proving to me it was the formula the whole time.)

She has stood unassisted for maybe 2 whole seconds, and it freaked her out! I don't think she'll be doing that, or walking, for a few months. But she can crawl fast! We play tag up and down our hallway all the time. Though, i have learned that climbing CAN happen before walking, she climbs up onto our couch, up our bookshelves, and I'm waiting for the day she climbs out of her crib.

Her favorite pastime? emptying shelves, boxes, drawers and cupboards of their contents and throwing them around. She loves her leap frog bilingual bongo, her green purse, and the picnic set she got for her birthday. But her favorite toy is whatever mommy and daddy have in their hands.

So, there you go loved ones, Chucky-Sue is alive, well and developing right on track :)

A Year on Sunday

Chucky-Sue has been HOME for a year this sunday!

first "photos" of the Girls

When she came home she was 5lbs 11oz,  a touch over 18 inches long, and sleeping almost 22 hours a day, but never longer than 3 hours at a time! Now she's 18lbs 2oz, 26 inches long and sleeping a straight 12 hours each night, plus a wonderful 3 hour nap in the afternoon.

12 months of ups and downs.(Mostly ups!)

12 months of dirty diapers.

12 months of cleaning bottles.

12 months of doctor appointments.

12 months of kisses and hugs.

12 months of formula scoops.

Soon there will be no more bottles, no more formula, less doctor appointments and a lot later, but in the horizon, no diapers! She has grown so fast these past few months, she's almost completely bottle-free, she's on her last can of formula, she's thiiiis close to standing on her own and, dare I say it, walking!?

I love you so much Chucky baby!!

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

There is a wonderful foundation called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It's a group of photographers across the world who come to hospitals to take beautiful photos of terminally ill (or passed, depending on the situation) children and their families. I had heard of this foundation during my pregnancy, it was recommended to me on a parenting forum, but I never did more than look at the website.

One of our amazing UVA NICU nurses, Deana, arranged them to take photos of our Angelina and Chucky-Sue. The photographer was so nice and willing to take photos of pretty much anything we wanted. I was adamant to get a full family photo that did not have me on an operating table half naked. (That's not something you want framed in your living room.) She got some amazing shots of our girls. I'm only disappointed that there is no just Jake and Angelina photo, though we did get a lot of the three of us ( Chucky-Sue had to warm up in her box half-way through the shoot.)

I love how Angelina's little personality shines through all the photos we have of her. She liked her opinion to be known, just like her diva of a sister Chucky-Sue. But Angelina also looked so peaceful in our family photos (Except one, but she had just be yanked out of her warm bed, you'd be fussy too!)

These photos are incredibly important to me, not just to remember Angelina though that is a big part of them. But to show Chucky-Sue that her sister existed, that she IS a twin. That we were all together at one time, no matter how short a time that was. My favorite photos from the shoot were ones of just the girls together, it reminds me of how much I needed them to be together those last few days. Yes, Chucky-Sue will have no memory of it, but them being together helped to heal me. Knowing that Chucky-Sue has such a strong relationship with Angelina makes me feel as if I still have a part of Angelina with me through her.

My Littlest Baby Girl

Tuesday night was the best and worst night of my entire life. On February 23rd, Jake and I had Angelina's heart medicine stopped as there was no cure/surgery/magical fix for her many problems. Any attempt at surgery would have killed her, and there is no pill to take to grow a new kidney (outside of Star Trek).

That night Jake and I were able to cuddle our little one without any wires or tubes. She truly is gorgeous, she has such soft features and pudgy little baby hands. We sang to her, told her how much we loved her, we cried with her. She was so incredibly strong, she lasted much longer without her medicine than we ever imagined she would. Late into the night (or really, early into the morning) all three of us snuggled together on the bed (Chucky-Sue looked on from her bassinet, we did cuddle her too!) Jake and I have the same favorite/worst memory of that night, we both took turns just laying down next to her and just watching her sleep, wiggle and play with her hands. It was amazing to see her alive, and terrible to know she was dying and not being able to do a thing about it.

At 5:30am I was cuddling her as Jake dozed, I knew she had passed, but wasn't able to say anything until the nurse had come in a few minutes later to check on us. We hugged her and cried. We kept her with us till 6, then called the rest of our family to tell them. I then scooped up little Chucky-Sue and let her baby-smell comfort me.

Angelina's memorial was beautiful. It was amazing to see the support from the ward and Jake's work friends. R3D2 had reminded us days ago that Michael's first blessing for Angelina had come true: She had inspired so many people to come together, she taught our family about love and strengthened our testimony about eternal families.



Jake and I truly and 100% believe that Angelina's main purpose in being alive was to somehow get Chucky-Sue to us. Either Chuck had such a stubborn spirit that didn't want to go alone, or her physical body wouldn't have survived alone- Somehow, some way Angelina was crucial in us having Chucky-Sue. We owe her so much for that alone. She did much more than that in her 10 short days. She brought me and Jake even closer together. She inspired an entire hospital to learn about her defects and hopefully give them more answers for future cases. There are doctors across the world studying her case. She confirmed to me, our family, and so many others the importance of the gospel. She opened doors for Jake and I to share our beliefs with the nurses and other NICU-moms. She completed a whole life in 10 days, she's done far more than I could ever hope to do. Her spirit is far stronger than I deserved to be a mother to, she is what I hope to become someday.

I didn't cry very much at her memorial or graveside service. I was prepared to, with my pockets stuffed with kleenex, but I didn't feel sad. Well. No; I DID feel sad, I still do. It tears at my heart every second of every day. But at that moment, I felt nothing but peace and comfort. I felt that my baby girl, my littlest, was fine. She was more than fine, she was ecstatic to be back with our Heavenly Father. I know she's going to be watching out for our family, guiding us. (I've told her she better be, because I know I'll need the help.)



I want to write down just a few short memories of Angelina, mostly for me to remember, but also to share her adorableness.

1. Her feet. I won't post full-body photos ever of Angelina, I don't want them to spread around the internet and get made fun of. But oh. my. goodness. Her feet were fuh-reak-ing cute. They were attached at the heel, but both were super ticklish. (Just like mommy's!) each of her nurses loved to see her squirm her little toes. She was very much a charmer to her NICU nurses, they all loved her.

2. Her Naming Blessing. R3D2, Superman and Grandpa helped Jake give Angelina the most beautiful naming blessing I've ever heard. Normally in a naming blessing, the father can go on about how to live their adult lives, and how they'll grow up. Jake was truly inspired (or just a mouthpiece and not even thinking, you'd have to ask him.) by the lord. A lot of the blessing had to do with Angelina's special relationship with Chucky-Sue, and how it wouldn't end with Angelina's passing. That was a great comfort to me, as one of my deepest regrets about Angelina passing is that Chucky-Sue may not remember her little sister. Knowing that Angelina will be with Chucky-Sue and be caring for her was a huge relief for new mother instincts.

3. Her love. okay. She was an infant, couldn't do much more than sleep and cry. But her love, her peace just radiated off of her. She only ever cried when she was in pain (after two surgeries, that's acceptable.) Every one of Jake's blessing for her, including when she was in utero, always mentioned her loving nature. The day we found out about her defects,  Jake had his hand on my stomach and felt of her love. He said that even though her physical heart is broken, and half it's normal size, her capacity to love was ten fold.


4. Her Binky. She would have been a binky-a-holic. The last night, the only thing that would calm her down before a nurse could get there to give her more pain medication was her binky. Even when it fell out of her mouth (note: preemie-size binkies need to be invented.) she would continue phantom-sucking on it. It was just one of those things that make me go awwwwww. (In contrast, Chucky-Sue is really only interested in a binky a short while after eating.)

I have a million other little things I could list, her swelling, her pudgy little fingers, her gorgeous eyes, her mohawk, her burial dress, her songs, her anything. I'm sure I'll have more posts about her in the future, whenever Chucky-Sue does something cute, I'm sure I'll think of Angelina and if she'd be doing it too.

Thanks for reading my word-vomit. I just wanted to get it down (what I'm willing to share in public that is) before Chucky-Sue came home and I had even less time.

Graduation

This update is about Miss Chucky-Sue

I walked into the NICU this morning and had a heart attack, Chucky-Sue's isolette spot was empty. The monitors were off, there was no nurse. Cue freaking out like MAD. I ran to Angelina's nurse and asked where she was. Thankfully, she had just been graduated to a more stable "pod" of babies!

She's off all her IV fluids! The only wires on her now are the heart/lung/temp monitors and a feeding tube through her nose. Her job right now is to learn to take either my breast or bottle without getting tired, gain weight and control her temperature a little better.

I was able to snuggle with her for a few hours before coming back to the RMH for lunch and rest. (I did spend some time with Angelina too- her situation is generally the same.) We attempted to feed again. She latches somewhat (She seems to understand the idea behind it at least), but she gets tired after a few tries and falls asleep.

She sleeps like her mommy though, with her hands above her head. It's weird to see what little mannerisms she already has at such a young age!

I cannot believe these little ones are four days old. The days and hours have seemed to blend together, I could swear up and down that it's only Tuesday. I've noticed a strange blessing through this trial, I'm less afraid to talk to strangers, whether it be nurses, or other mothers in the milk lounge. I've met two other mothers who've been very nice to me, Nikkita showed me how the milk lounge was set up, what I'd need to bring etc. and Now, Chucky-Sue is near her little girl Regina. There was another family from RMH that have been very nice- I ate lunch with them and we compared how hard it's been (They have a little girl who was born at the same gestational age as ours.). I think finding these small blessings have helped tremendously, otherwise I'd be drowning in the horribleness.

Valentines Day

So.

I had planned to blog about my parent's trip down for Valentine's day weekend. I even took photos of our full freezer and new baby swag, but something has come up that I think you readers want to know about more!

I woke up 2 am on sunday in a pool of water on our bed, after waking up Jake I called UVA's labor and delivery and they sent me to Our Town's Community Hospital to be checked and then get transported to UVA. We packed up our bags real quick, called family and got ourselves to the hopsital.

Once there, they checked me and I had dilated to 3cm. It wasn't until after I got to the hospital that I started to have contractions. They gave me medicine to slow them down, they also gave me antibiotics and a steroid shot to help the babies lungs are much as possible.

Around 4 I got on the ambulance with two OB nurses and we took off for UVA. We made very good time, got there in less than two hours, but my contractions had gotten stronger and weren't getting farther apart. The nurses said I was humming and singing through them, I don't remember much apart from OW OW OW.

At UVA, they checked me again and I had gotten to 5cm, at that point it is nearly impossible to slow/stop labor enough to have any positive effect on the babies. Jake, his parents and my parents all arrived shortly after 8am. At 9:06, I was rolled into the OR to be prepped.

I had a spinal block, which just felt like my whole lower body just got pins and needles and then fell asleep. It worked so well that when they called Jake in (with his handsome blue unitard) I didn't know when they actually started the surgery. Every once in a while it felt like a sandbag was on my chest, but I didn't feel any pain. I did get sick from the medicines, and it happened just as they got Chucky-Sue out, so I only remember the poor girl I got sick on. Chucky-Sue did give me a scare, as she didn't start to cry right away, but she caught up quickly. Jake got to take photos as they examined both babies, and then was allowed to hold them before they went into the NICU. I was able to give them kisses and watch Jake hold them before they were whisked away for more tests.

Then Jake has his own story about following the babies to the NICU and being with them. I was taken to a recovery room, where I got to try to move my toes for four hours. I wasn't allowed out into my room until I could move my knees to get into my own bed. I now know why the nurses were so gruff about me moving, it's definitely helped me feel better faster and be able to go down  and visit in the NICU.

And that's all it took for me to turn into a Mom.

a mom.


wow.

Lately...

There's been some recent events that have had my mind swimming with questions. After getting some troubling news, my mind went somewhere I would have never guessed- to a young women's sunday lesson. I remember vaguely learning about talents. Our presidency had gotten our parents to write down what they believed their child's talents were. I remember wishing I had a more "outward" talent like my friends. Some were amazing at sports, or very musically gifted. Others were very intellegent or creative. I remember one of the talents my parents wrote down for me was Peace Maker, that in social situations (specially school) I didn't continue fights and I'd tried to be inclusive with everyone. This is a talent I'm proud to have and I treasure it, but at 15 it's not as cool as being able to shoot 100% at the three point line or sight-read terribly hard music.

My mind also went to 3rd grade, my favorite elementary school year. I had an amazing teacher Mrs. Gray and some great close friends. I also remembered one boy. His name was Cory and he had some sort of physical and mental disability. (At 8 years old it didn't matter much what it exactly was) He was a perfect sweetheart and I remember trying hard to include him in everything. Not out of social guilt which I think some adults are prone to, not because I was asked to befriend him, but because I liked him. He was funny, kind and I wanted to be his friend.

I was kind of surprised at these thoughts, at the surface they have very little to do with the news I recieved. They were distant memories, long buried by time and hadn't changed my life in any significant way I could see. But after mulling them over, and lots lots lots lots and looots of praying, I am beginning to see a string through all three events.

We found out at the most recent ultrasound on friday that Baby B most likely has a serious heart defect and possibly an extremely rare birth defect called Sirenomelia or "Mermaid Syndrome". His/Her legs do not move independantly of each other and are most likely fused together. It affects 1 in about 100,000 births, and even more so in twins. The extent of either medical problem is currently unknown because of the low quality ultrasound at my previous doctor's appointment. On Friday I switched up to a OB practice in Big City that is directly across the street from the hospital. I'll soon be seeing a pediatric cardiologist for a fetal echocardiogram as well as high-risk ultrasound specialists. Hopefully within the next week or two we'll have more information on the exact diagonsis for both the heart and legs. Thankfully both babies are growing at the right rate, have good weights and everything else looks like it should. (I'll be sure to keep this blog updated for faraway friends and family.)

After the inital freaking out, crying, distraught, and overwhelmed feelings, my mind when to those two memories. At that time it actually annoyed me that my mind could think of anything else but the poor child, but now I think I understand. Heavenly Father was reminding me that he had prepared me for this long ago, in very small and simple ways. He gave me a loving and accepting heart, He sent me to a strong family, most of whom in their own ways have dealt with children with a wide variety of problems, He has given me their experience and advice. He's given Baby B a strong, loving, and protective sister (Baby A). He has everything planned out for us and thanks to these seemingly random memories, I believe I've seen a glimpse of it.

Goodbye 2008

So before my sidetrack to the ER I had planned to blog about the New Year and what not. Here it is!

In 2008 I was newly married, living completely independent from my parents for the first time,(well like 90%, Parents never truly stop helping their children). I learned so much more about Jake in those first few months than we ever did when we were dating. I learned that while I could cook without burning down the house, my creativity was severely lacking. I started researching recipes and calling my mom to get all the recipes I'm sure she tried to make me learn when I was a teenager. One of my goals in 2009 is to learn 5 new recipes that I can make from memory.

In 2008 I gained a very strong testimony about family. Living far away from my parents and New England relatives made me realize how much I counted on them always being near-by. I now know that family doesn't always mean blood relatives. Friends and in-laws have been my lifeline through the tough times of the past year. I want to strengthen those relationships and keep strong relationships alive this year.

In 2008 I loved Art. I had always doodled and played around with crafts- but I had never thought that I had any talent for it. Now I know it makes me happy, and if I can find away to do something I love and make some sort of living out of it, I'll be even happier! I want to start making money off of this hobby in 2009, either by giving art lessons or selling online.

In 2008 I learned how strong I was. I learned that I could deal with loss, pain and grief with my chin up. I learned that I trusted in my temple marriage far more than I ever knew. I learned I could still laugh and let that laughter keep me above depression. I can't begin to say how lucky I am to have that talent, to be happy when everything in my life wanted me to be sad. I hope that in 2009 I get to be happy because my life wants me to be happy :)

Now on to 2009, I already have a new experiences coming my way and it's not even February!

Oh Memories.

So, I've been cleaning up the house very slowly and to make it more entertaining I decided to rock out to some tunes. I went through my regulars, broadway soundtracks, Disney songs, and angry teen rock compilations. I then was digging through my clutter and I found a Cd labeled "Tracy's CDs: Mormon Mix" and I thought it was just my single's ward soundtrack. Much to my surprise it's a CD full of John Bytheway mock-songs (Rock popcorn popping, Some how I was called on a misson etc.etc.) and the very first song I ever downloaded! It was at my friend Jessie's house, we used Napster (We were 12/13 and weren't too concerned about what was "legal") and it was "The Mormon Rap". It is the lamest but coolest songs EVER. Any song that has home teaches, dairy queen, mormon punch, roadshows and a bishop interview in it, has to just be amazing!

I was instantly transported back in time to my old blue bedroom, rocking out while I was supposed to be doing homework. I could remember the silly clothes I wore, my attempts at cool makeup (blue eyeshadow should be banned.)I could remember who I had a mega-omg-forever crush on, making excited plans with my friends in young women about the upcoming dance and all those things that the pain of puberty often covers up in my memory.

Now, I must go scrub a toilet.

I found their website: http://www.ahfunaki.com/mormonrap.html It has a download link for you and the awesome awesome lyrics!!

Friday Five: A Day Early

So, Apple sent the part for my computer today. I was at work, but the tracking site said they had left if with my neighbor. I get home, and they have left it in the office. which is open 9am-5pm. Mon-Fri, and Michael and I work every day from 8am to 5:30pm monday through friday. So, until I get a day off during the week, we're stuck in the smelly ol' computer lab :(

But here's an early edition of Friday Five, to keep my mind of my anger.

1. What were some of the smells and tastes of your childhood? One smell that stands out is the smell of my closet in our old house in MA. My mom had put the head of our bunk beds in it, and made a really cool shelf unit for it. I remember the dusty, somewhat musty smell. I also remember just playing with my tiny knick-knacks till I fell asleep. I don't really have a strong memory of taste, while we had a lot of good food, there was no "Meatloaf Thursday" or anything like that.

2. What did you have as a child that you do not think children today have? Safety. My mom, while keeping a watchful eye out, didn't really have to worry that a stranger would come in our yard, or on our street while I was riding a bike and kidnap me. Now parents are warned (beyond reason) to never let their kids do anything by themselves. Keep them safe, don't smother 'em!

3. What elementary grade was your favorite? definitely 3rd grade. I had an AMAZING teacher, Mrs. Grey. She was phenomenal. She really got me into reading for fun, not just school. She was so smart, interesting, funny and engaging. She took time to get to know every single one of us in her class. She encouraged us to try new things (I remember our class having a ball during in-door recess, we'd play games, sing loud songs, make crafts, read books. Other classes just sat around for 15 minutes.) We had kept journals in her class, and at the end of the year, she wrote a note to us, to read when we graduated High School. It was just a small congratulations note, but it meant the world to be that she cared enough to remember even just a little about me.

4. What summer do you remember the best as a child? My childhood summers were always fun. I remember earning enough "Smiley Faces" during the school year to get a trip to Canobie Lake Park (Awesome Amusement Park, totally better than anything down here.) and getting there as soon as it opened, and not leaving till they kicked us out at night. I remember BBQs at both of my grandmother's pools, I remember the awesome memorial day parades (walking forEVER in my "Oreo" baseball uniform) in MA, with firetruck rides and ice cream for the whole town.

5. What one piece of advice would you give to your younger self, and at what age? I know she sounds out of date, but LISTEN to your mother every once in a while. She's been around longer than you and is probably the only person who wants the absolute best for you. and no, she is not stupid or mean or idiotic or out of touch. She is TRYING, and loves you and give her a well deserved break! I'd proably need that most around 14-15.