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2.28.2010

My Littlest Baby Girl


Tuesday night was the best and worst night of my entire life. On February 23rd, Jake and I had Angelina's heart medicine stopped as there was no cure/surgery/magical fix for her many problems. Any attempt at surgery would have killed her, and there is no pill to take to grow a new kidney (outside of Star Trek).

That night Jake and I were able to cuddle our little one without any wires or tubes. She truly is gorgeous, she has such soft features and pudgy little baby hands. We sang to her, told her how much we loved her, we cried with her. She was so incredibly strong, she lasted much longer without her medicine than we ever imagined she would. Late into the night (or really, early into the morning) all three of us snuggled together on the bed (Chucky-Sue looked on from her bassinet, we did cuddle her too!) Jake and I have the same favorite/worst memory of that night, we both took turns just laying down next to her and just watching her sleep, wiggle and play with her hands. It was amazing to see her alive, and terrible to know she was dying and not being able to do a thing about it.

At 5:30am I was cuddling her as Jake dozed, I knew she had passed, but wasn't able to say anything until the nurse had come in a few minutes later to check on us. We hugged her and cried. We kept her with us till 6, then called the rest of our family to tell them. I then scooped up little Chucky-Sue and let her baby-smell comfort me.

Angelina's memorial was beautiful. It was amazing to see the support from the ward and Jake's work friends. R3D2 had reminded us days ago that Michael's first blessing for Angelina had come true: She had inspired so many people to come together, she taught our family about love and strengthened our testimony about eternal families.



Jake and I truly and 100% believe that Angelina's main purpose in being alive was to somehow get Chucky-Sue to us. Either Chuck had such a stubborn spirit that didn't want to go alone, or her physical body wouldn't have survived alone- Somehow, some way Angelina was crucial in us having Chucky-Sue. We owe her so much for that alone. She did much more than that in her 10 short days. She brought me and Jake even closer together. She inspired an entire hospital to learn about her defects and hopefully give them more answers for future cases. There are doctors across the world studying her case. She confirmed to me, our family, and so many others the importance of the gospel. She opened doors for Jake and I to share our beliefs with the nurses and other NICU-moms. She completed a whole life in 10 days, she's done far more than I could ever hope to do. Her spirit is far stronger than I deserved to be a mother to, she is what I hope to become someday.

I didn't cry very much at her memorial or graveside service. I was prepared to, with my pockets stuffed with kleenex, but I didn't feel sad. Well. No; I DID feel sad, I still do. It tears at my heart every second of every day. But at that moment, I felt nothing but peace and comfort. I felt that my baby girl, my littlest, was fine. She was more than fine, she was ecstatic to be back with our Heavenly Father. I know she's going to be watching out for our family, guiding us. (I've told her she better be, because I know I'll need the help.)



I want to write down just a few short memories of Angelina, mostly for me to remember, but also to share her adorableness.

1. Her feet. I won't post full-body photos ever of Angelina, I don't want them to spread around the internet and get made fun of. But oh. my. goodness. Her feet were fuh-reak-ing cute. They were attached at the heel, but both were super ticklish. (Just like mommy's!) each of her nurses loved to see her squirm her little toes. She was very much a charmer to her NICU nurses, they all loved her.

2. Her Naming Blessing. R3D2, Superman and Grandpa helped Jake give Angelina the most beautiful naming blessing I've ever heard. Normally in a naming blessing, the father can go on about how to live their adult lives, and how they'll grow up. Jake was truly inspired (or just a mouthpiece and not even thinking, you'd have to ask him.) by the lord. A lot of the blessing had to do with Angelina's special relationship with Chucky-Sue, and how it wouldn't end with Angelina's passing. That was a great comfort to me, as one of my deepest regrets about Angelina passing is that Chucky-Sue may not remember her little sister. Knowing that Angelina will be with Chucky-Sue and be caring for her was a huge relief for new mother instincts.

3. Her love. okay. She was an infant, couldn't do much more than sleep and cry. But her love, her peace just radiated off of her. She only ever cried when she was in pain (after two surgeries, that's acceptable.) Every one of Jake's blessing for her, including when she was in utero, always mentioned her loving nature. The day we found out about her defects,  Jake had his hand on my stomach and felt of her love. He said that even though her physical heart is broken, and half it's normal size, her capacity to love was ten fold.


4. Her Binky. She would have been a binky-a-holic. The last night, the only thing that would calm her down before a nurse could get there to give her more pain medication was her binky. Even when it fell out of her mouth (note: preemie-size binkies need to be invented.) she would continue phantom-sucking on it. It was just one of those things that make me go awwwwww. (In contrast, Chucky-Sue is really only interested in a binky a short while after eating.)

I have a million other little things I could list, her swelling, her pudgy little fingers, her gorgeous eyes, her mohawk, her burial dress, her songs, her anything. I'm sure I'll have more posts about her in the future, whenever Chucky-Sue does something cute, I'm sure I'll think of Angelina and if she'd be doing it too.

Thanks for reading my word-vomit. I just wanted to get it down (what I'm willing to share in public that is) before Chucky-Sue came home and I had even less time.

4 comments:

elaine says:
at: Feb 28, 2010, 10:33:00 PM said...

what beautiful memories you have of your Evelyn. I continue to pray for you to feel peace and be given strength.

Deanna says:
at: Mar 1, 2010, 4:50:00 PM said...

I wish there was something I could say besides "I'm sorry." but that's all that I can think of.

I love you, and I'm thinking of you.

Gram & Gramps says:
at: Mar 2, 2010, 7:23:00 PM said...

Naturally, I wept as I read your blog. I'm sorry that I could not have been down to try to help support you but I think that it might well have been you supporting me. It is times like this that make me appreciate even more our Heavenly Father's Plan. Give Charlotte a big hug for me and from me. We are thinking of you always
Love
Gramps
Can't wait for Charlotte to be big enough to come home from school and to be able to scare her like I did her mom!!

Erik says:
at: Mar 10, 2010, 10:08:00 AM said...

Wow! What a precious baby. Thank you for sharing your story. As I was crying reading your story, I was filled with peace knowing that she is with God not feeling any pain. I am a neighbor and friend of the Coiner's, and I will be praying for your family, and Charlotte and Evelyn, too!

Stacy