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I Miss Her.

This time last year I was doing a lot better. I'm still mostly okay, but there are definite tendrils of depression that like to bother me while I'm up late at night. I find this ironic, as I had just had a discussion with Jake about how lucky I felt that I DIDN'T get depressed back in 2010. I guess I just have time-released emotions.

I noticed it's effect is worse when I don't go out for our daily walk. It rained yesterday and while Chucky is a champ in the cold, I couldn't stand pushing her around while she was getting rained on, so we stayed in. We didn't go today because I used the excuse of Chucky being up all night with night terrors. The past two days have had noticeable difference in my mood and energy levels. I have literally done nothing.  I moved a few toys around in hopes of getting into the mood to clean. I played around online hoping I'd get into the mood to work. (Freelance writing and shop behind-the-scenes stuff). Nada. I let Chucky play with her toys and books, made sure she got fed, changed and napped. What a great accomplishment for 48 hours. I suppose not getting up and going right away in the morning lets my mind wander too much. I guess the saying for idle hands works for the mind too.Soon Jake's work week will be over and I'll have a lot more support in my "get-up-n-go".

In just a few days it will be the girl's second birthday. I'm allowing myself to get all my sadness out in the open before Chucky Sue's party on sunday. Not to a point where I can't function, but not sucking it up and ignoring it. I don't want to miss all the fun I'm planning for Chucky. I know her little face it going to light up at all the surprises and I want to focus on that. I do give her little heart all the credit, she has made me laugh and smile every day. She'll be babbling away playing with her "oh-knees" then suddenly drop them and come give me a huge hug. She knows what her momma needs.

Along with the "normal" crapiness of February, it's also topped off with the awkwardness of telling our new ward about Angelina. How do you even approach that subject? Death rarely comes up naturally in a conversation. "oh yes, and speaking of death, I lost a child to an extremely rare physical mutation and complicated heart defect- how is your day going?" is not something I see happening. I got to gloss over that situation with my primary class as we discussed eternal families. A child brought up that she had lost a grandfather and really missed him, and I told her that I had a baby in heaven waiting for me and that we'd both see them again one day. Then they got off topic about trying to figure the best way to die. I believe the consensus was fighting a bad guy in Star Wars. People don't usually react well to death, we say the wrong things, we feel awkward. Where is Emily Post's Guide to Death in Polite Conversations?

So yes. I miss Angelina. I miss her something terrible. It feels as if my heart is being ripped in two directions sometimes, to Angelina and to Chucky. And yes; it hurts like hell. I'm sorry for the rambling and ill-formed paragraphs. This blog is not only a showcase for all the crafty things, but it's history of my life, and this is a HUGE part of my life right now. I promise some light hearted silly posts later, let me have February.


Nicki says:
at: Feb 7, 2012, 9:56:00 PM said...

Oh goodness Tracy for so many reasons... you are strong and brave. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I can't imagine how you must feel. I miss her and she was only my niece. Call or text if you need to talk.

Kat and Andy Bartholomew says:
at: Feb 7, 2012, 10:31:00 PM said...

Good for you for writing your feelings.Sometimes just venting and getting it out there will help you feel better. Stay positive :)

miss jen says:
at: Feb 8, 2012, 3:52:00 PM said...

I read your blog this morning. I wanted to leave a comment right away, but I couldn't think of one that wasn't too lengthy or would need me to hug you!
Words have been going through my mind all day, trying to come up with the perfect mother comforting thing to say to you.


You went through & continue to go through an experience I cannot fathom. I miss Angelina very much. I miss you & Chucky-Sue & yes... even Jake too. You are lucky to have a husband & daughter going through this experience with you. You are not alone!

Don't be afraid to talk about Angelina!
Yes, you may cry when you do, which I understand is embarrassing for you, but you can excuse yourself, go to the bathroom or your car to just let it all out & feel better.
Laughter can help in the low times too! Don't lose your sense of humor.

Have a fun time @ the birthday party. Give Chucky Sue an extra kiss & hug from Nonie & let her know she needs to share them w/Angelina later on @ nighttime prayers.


Carly Kaiser says:
at: Feb 29, 2012, 11:10:00 AM said...

Wow! You have been through something very difficult. I am sorry for your loss. You are doing a great job with your daughter and I think that you are an amazing woman! There was a talk in October 2008 conference that your post reminded me of, "I hope ya know we had a hard time" by Elder Cook. I am grateful to have you here in Vinton. Let me know if you ever want to talk.